[Life in General] Life and death

A beloved uncle passed away on Monday 06 April 2009 around 7am.

I was unusually weak that morning and when I got the news I suddenly became very ill and was bedridden till yesterday. I guess I was too upset.

I haven't been this ill since I moved away from 'THAT' house.

A mere few months, easily became the WORST days/months of my entire life.

Worse than when I had family crisis (our shop got burnt down, insurance lapsed and my dad became unemployed and a drunk and our household become a bickering battlefield T_T). Yeah, I though the worst was over when I went to uni but little did I know.......

During all those tough times, my uncle was the only one who offered help to us by giving my dad a job though menial and a small pay. The thing is, he didn't need any help in the first place at all. I feel indebted to him all my life.

I hope he is truly well and happy in the other world. Finally free from all the pain and illness and sufferings. God bless him.

Today, I am still sick though able to walk around now.

But compared to life in 'THAT' house where I was sick like ALL the time; 2 days of small illness, better 1 day then a week of more serious illness.

Sometimes the illness has not to do with all the raging viruses and bacteria; mental and psyche played a vital part.

I remembered Big King went to work and I was left all alone in 'THAT' house with little Princess (so little she can't even walk yet). Need to catch the 'perfect timing' to do laundry, which, must be after other's precious wash and enough time to finish and hanging before Princess wakes up. Once she does, my hands are tied.

When Princess wakes up I have to tend to her needs. One day I started cooking her porridge at 10.30 and finish only at 11.30. Got told off followed by loud clanging in the kitchen. Thereafter, I can only start cooking when the kitchen is free which is after 1.30pm and Princess can only have her lunch at 2.30pm! All the while I had to carry her on one hand while standing and stirring the porridge.

After lunch, Princess had a little nap. I will start browsing the net trying to relax and ease the mind. But with a pair of hawk eyes hovering around, I started to feel stress. Made worse, when stay at home mum is expected to work like one of the maid. Worser still (possible?), when, I don't have any help (and been refused help) with a baby.

Princess waked up and it all starts all over again, change diaper, make formula, look after Princess and clean the room. Big King came home from work and I went to the kitchen to help.

The big stress came when Big King is late from coming home or told me he wanted to go golfing after work. I would stay with Princess upstairs in the room, scared to go down and meet with a stony face. All the while having to endure shoutings (probably to the maid) and loud clangings from the kitchen. Sometimes I weeped silently while looking out of the window, staring at....I don't know.....the distance. Wishing for Big King to appear.

When you show face intermittenly, like going for formula/water/snacks for Princess. There will be well-rehearsed hurtful speeches spoken/shouted/screamed 'just in time', not always at me, sometimes at third party, when I am at the bottom of the stairs, continued right on till I disappear into the room.

When Big King finally came home and I breathe a sigh of relief. Went down to check the kitchen and reheat Princess food if the coast is clear. After that ate/pretend to eat dinner with extra care and silence with Princess on my laps. I never know what I swallowed.

The next day, it all happened all over again. Of course with different courses and actions from the almighty.

I was so stress that at nights I couldn't sleep. I was also very stress having to endure the 'mental games' played on me. So much so that I was constantly sick. Maybe the worst has got to be putting up a normal act in front of Big King.

But one day, a big blow happened.......

But of course, one would do anything for the child. Princess is the only reason I got through the nightmares. But thinking back I felt I was stupid. But can't really help it when you were not thinking straight with all the lack of sleep and stress and illnesses. Chinese has a saying, 'you have the heart but not the energy'.

There was one time I thought I would go crazy but I looked at Princess and kept chanting,'I must endure, I must endure, I must endure............I must not let myself go...........'

I am happy all is over now, or is it?